Prose and Cons

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2010-02-26T13:12:00.003-05:00

All too often, an Olympic hockey team will take on the persona of its country.

The rink rats of the young, on-the-go United States squad can skate laps around their opponents. Team Russia and its staunch defense mirrors its proud, disciplined people.

So the question begs to be asked. Do the players from traditionally neutral Switzerland participate in on-ice donnybrooks, one of hockey’s oldest traditions?

The answer is no. Swiss gloves stay on for all 60 minutes of a game. Admirably, the country’s unbiased attitude instills in their hockey players.

But perhaps the Swiss should consider occasionally, albeit temporarily, letting down their guard on the frozen pond and shouting "en garde."

Since hockey became an Olympic sport in 1920, Switzerland has medaled only two bronzes — the last coming in 1948.

Canada and the Soviet Union — countries that practically invented fighting and bad behavior — by comparison, have claimed two-thirds of the Olympic Game’s 21 gold medals. Great Britain has won more gold medals (1936) than Switzerland.

The true hockey fan will tell you, however, that there’s no fighting on the Olympic level. Same goes for collegiate, minor, most European, and all women’s leagues, where a bare-knuckle scrap or old-fashioned hair-pulling earns combatants an automatic ejection.

When it comes to finding tough-guys in Switzerland, however, they’re not all Swiss Misses.

Just ask Semaden, SUI-native Mark Hardy, who is no Missus — even though his middle name is ‘Lea.'

In 15 seasons with the Los Angeles Kings, Minnesota North Stars and New York Rangers, Hardy spent more time in an NHL sin bin than any other Swiss-born player.

The current Kings assistant coach spent 1,243 minutes of his playing career watching from the bad box, where he idled 1,000-plus minutes more than eight of the next most penalized Swiss-born players to compete in the NHL combined.

The closest Swiss compatriot to Hardy and his 20 hours of penalty time is the New York Islander’s Mark Streit, the captain of the country’s 2010 Olympic squad and owner of a paltry 172 minutes isolated in time out.

Hardy, 51, was mostly muscle. His career 62 goals in 915 games left his resume with a dreary .06 goals-per-game average. In light of his back-of-the-net ineptitude, his place in hockey lore is on solid ice.

For proof, just ask Mike Keane to show you the bruise he surely still has from Hardy. In the 1993 Stanley Cup finals, Hardy leveled the Montreal Canadiens’ right winger with a YouTube-worthy body check that lives on today in search engines under the guise of “Hockey Brawls, Fights and Hits.”

Hardy and Keane, it turns out, are intertwined in international hockey history like a twisted game of six-degrees of Kevin Bacon — if by that you mean the actor with his jersey pulled halfway over his head getting pummeled by six different people at once.

Hardy was raised to salute a flag that resembles the Red Cross symbol, but likely honed his proclivity for doling out pain after relocating to Montreal and becoming a Canadian citizen.

Keane — who like Hardy only played on the World Championship level and not the Olympic stage — put up his dukes in the infamous “Punch-up in Piestany.”

Keane is one of just nine players to win a Stanley Cup with three different franchises. But the Canadian is renowned for dropping his gloves and fighting Russia’s Valeri Zelepukin in the violent, 20-minute, bench-clearing melee at the 1987 World Junior Championships in Czechoslovakia.

If we’re to believe teammate Theoren Fleury, Gare Joyce’s book “When the Lights Went Out,” and Wikipedia, Keane was “fighting like it was for the world title.”

When it comes to fisticuffs, the Swiss prefer their pugilism between the ropes and not the ice. Or at least they used to. You have to go back to 1936 to find the last time Switzerland fielded an Olympic boxing team.

None of the Swiss boxers — four of whom were peculiarly named Walter — failed to win a medal that year. And ever since, Switzerland’s proclivity for pacifism is a legend of its own commendable mettle.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2010-02-13T12:32:00.004-05:00

THE FLYING ANIMAL

X Games legend Shaun White says his old nickname "The Flying Tomato" has gone rotten. The 23-year old is informing everyone at this week's 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver that he now goes by the moniker "Animal."

You be the judge.

Catch White as he goes for a Snowboarding gold medal on Wednesday.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2010-02-04T11:28:00.003-05:00

PUNXSUTAWNEY ROBIN: SALUTING THE BEST GOPHER BALL PITCHERS OF ALL TIME

Today is Groundhog Day, the glorious time of year when we celebrate the most notorious gopher this side of Caddyshack.

Men such as "Punxsutawney" Phil Norton , who, in one tragic inning on Aug. 8, 2000, joined a litany of infamous gopher ballers to yield a Major League record four home runs in one inning.

Today we rejoice the pitchers who brought inclement weather to the bleachers of ball parks in the form of hailing home runs—many of whom lost their own silhouettes in the shadows created by the likes of Bonds, McGwire and Sosa.

The irony being that Western Pennsylvania’s famous marmot, Punxsutawney Phil , is said to have lived to the ripe old age of 123 by ingesting an “elixir of life — a mysterious “Groundhog Punch.”

So by all accounts, Phil Norton is not fuzzy, nor lives in an underground burrow. In fact, the lefty grew up 1,100 miles south of Punxsutawney in Texarkana, Texas. But his place in baseball history is concrete — that is, until another gopher-ball pitcher coughs up five dingers in a single inning.

When he does, you’ll hear the collective sighs emanating from Norton, a former Chicago Cub and Cincinnati Red, and the other 25 pitchers he shares the dubious mark with.

Among them will be future and current hall-of-famers Randy Johnson, John Smoltz and Catfish Hunter.

Those enshrined in Cooperstown certainly aren’t immune from playing the role of the gopher.

Warren Spahn served up 71 more homers than he got wins in his 21 year career. His National League record 434 home runs given up didn’t keep him out of the hall. Perhaps personally slugging 35 homers (third-best all-time for a pitcher) helped Spahn gain access among the game’s greats.

Other notable pitchers going down in gopher lore with Johnson, Smoltz and Catfish include:

Bert Blyleven : His 50 homers given up in 1986 is a single-season record.

Fergie Jenkins : He led the Majors in homers-yielded a record seven times.

Frank Tanana : Allowed 448 career home runs at a clip of one dinger per every six strikeouts, tops all-time in the American League.

As far as legends go, however, no one topped Robin Roberts when it came to doling out free souvenirs to the paying customers in the cheap seats.

Roberts surrendered a Major League-best 505 home runs in his career. Even more remarkable is that the Springfield, Ill., native still managed to carve out a Hall of Fame career behind six 20-win campaigns. He twice struck out more batters in a season than anyone else and made seven all-star squads.

The state of Vermont was so enamored with the pitcher, they officially dubbed July 21 as “Robin Roberts Day.”

Roberts is 83-years old now. There are no reports of a man in a top hat yanking him from a serene slumber this morning to predict the weather.

Had he been so rudely awakened, his prognosis would have been simple to forecast:

Pitchers and catchers report in 16 days.

ANY DAY NOW news that's bound to break

2010-01-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

Sports Satire by Christopher C. Wuensch

It turns out notorious hip-hop artists Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls aren’t the only ones creating original music long after their untimely deaths.

Citing the track record of the deposed, coastally-proud rappers, the late Walter Payton has decided to get back into the sports-music industry.

The hall-of-fame running back has announced plans to release a re-mastered version of the Super Bowl Shuffle, a tribute to the sporty anthem put out by Sweetness and his Chicago Bears teammates nearly 25 years ago.

Payton admitted that he found motivation to posthumously release the new song after witnessing the success of still-mortal San Diego Charger running back LaDainian Tomlinson, whose recent music video LT Slide-Electric Glide has become a Web phenomenon.

Payton, who made a name for himself in the Midwest, has yet to announce whether he’ll collaborate with East Coast’s Smalls or West Coast’s Shakur on the project.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2010-01-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

There’s a familiar cliché in the world of hockey that equates an impenetrable goaltender, a net-minder making seemingly impossible saves, as “standing on his head.”

This, of course, is a cleverly concocted metaphor. No one — not even the most chiseled of modern day athletes — can stand upside-down for 60 minutes. The world record for standing on one’s head is about eight-and-a-half minutes.

New Jersey Devils' Goaltender Martin Brodeur is the exception to the rule that says the human body will lose consciousness after several minutes suspended feet-over-neck.

Standing on his head doesn’t cause black-outs for the 37 year old — it causes his opponents shutouts.

Since breaking into the NHL in 1991, with the Devils, Brodeur has toppled many of the league’s most hallowed goaltending records.

Among the most impressive is the career mark for ice time, breaking Patrick Roy’s record 60,235 minutes. Depending how you look at it, that’s more than 1,000 hours or 42 days or six weeks between the pipes.

There’s plenty of other ways Brodeur could have spent that time, besides equaling the world’s record for standing on one’s head 7,086 times.

For instance:

· He could have watched Berlin Alexanderplatz, the longest movie ever made (931 minutes), a whopping 65 times.

· If he spent those hours in the air, he’d have garnered the requisite 40 air hours it takes to earn a pilot’s license.

· According to www.sixweeks.com he could have sculpted perfect abs.

· If he were a terrorist (to anyone other than opposing teams), the United States government could have held him the legal limit of 42 days before levying charges against him. It’s a good thing Brodeur is on the up-and-up with Uncle Sam. Four days after setting the NHL’s new minutes mark, the goalie officially became a U.S. citizen.

· Brodeur’s new mark is comparable to 25 average work (9 a.m. to 5 p.m.) days.

· That same time span, cruelly, is also the average life span of worker bees.

· Instead of logging all that ice time, he could have sat through Placido Domingo’s world record for the longest ovation (101 curtain calls, 80 minutes of applause 101 curtain calls and 80 minutes of applause on June 30, 1991 in Vienna, after singing Otello) a mind- and posterior-numbing 758 times.

· If it takes 200 minutes (at 20 minutes a pound) to cook a 10-pound turkey, Brodeur could have served up a 3,011-pound bird if he put it in the oven his rookie year. He’d be hard-pressed to find a turkey that size. The biggest turkey on record is 86 pounds.

· At a nonstop and steady pace of 60 mph, he’d circumnavigate the Earth 2.5 times instead of fending off slap shots.

· Roger Bannister could have run 20,078 three-minute miles.

· He could have sat through 48 consecutive Jerry Lewis telethons.

· He could have watched all 452 episodes of The Simpsons 4.5 times.

· Brodeur could have switched to football and played every minute of every game in the NFL this season and still have close to 45,000 minutes of free time.

· If he took the ice on Jan. 1 and played his minutes consecutively, he wouldn’t get a break until Feb. 1.

· Predictions are big business in the world of sports. If Brodeur spent his entire career on the phone with Miss Cleo Psychic Hotline ($4.99 per minute) he’d run up a $300,000 phone bill.

· Ghandi could have watched Brodeur’s entire career during both of his 21-day fasts. The Indian spiritual leader likely would have found the nachos at Continental Airlines Arena — the ones that come replete with three puny jalapenos and a thick layer of plastic cheese — rather easy to resist.

· At six weeks, he’d still have two weeks to wait before his Snuggie arrived via standard U.S. mail. And spending that amount of time on the ice requires something warm and fuzzy to wear.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-11-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

Unless you’re playing hockey in Manitoba’s Selkirk Arena — aptly nicknamed “the Barn” — sports and farm animals rarely intertwine.

Manny Pacquiao summoned bovine intervention in the final moments of his Welterweight bout against Oscar de la Hoya last December. As the Fightin’ Filipino rejoiced his victory over the Golden Boy on the Las Vegas canvas, HBO commentator Jim Lampley dubbed Pacquiao as the “bell cow” of his pugilistic generation.

The Bell Cow leaves the barn again tonight when Pacquiao climbs back into the ring for another Welterweight bout; this time versus Miguel Cotto.

Old McDonald gives his pre-fight assessment of Lampley’s Bell Cow:

“Pundits who say that Manny Pacquiao is nothing more than a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” really gets my goat.

There are some folks who tell us — those of us that think the Filipino is the cock of the walk — that we shouldn’t count our chickens before they hatch. They say that ‘even a blind pig finds an acorn every once in a while.’

Hold your horses. His career 49-3-2 record suggests an endless row of lambs being led to the slaughterhouse.

You’ll see tonight that Pacquiao is the best pound-for-pound fighter when he grabs the bull by the horns.”

ANY DAY NOW news that's bound to break

2009-11-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

Sports Satire by Christopher C. Wuensch

Months after a November photo revealed a drastic difference in Sammy Sosa’s now-lighter skin tone, the infamous Chicago Cubs slugger admits attempts to “desaparezca fuera de vista.”

Translation: disappear out of sight.

A frail Sosa was a mere shell of his former 6-foot, 220-pound Earth-thundering self when he sat down recently with reporters. Slammin’ Sammy — he of a sixth-best all-time 609 dingers and a U-Haul full of steroid allegations in tow — confessed to recently taking a herbal supplement grown along the shoreline of the Yaque Del Sur river of his native Dominican Republic.

The ground-root herb cocktail Sosa had been ingesting twice weekly was literally causing him to disappear.

A week after the interview, the only thing left of Sosa was a moderate pile of fine powder.

Sosa’s wife Sonya would not address the speculations that the slugger’s ashes were to be stored in either a syringe or a hollowed-out bat.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-10-25T15:57:00.000-04:00

The Associated Press is reporting that — after a mere 85 games — there are cracks in the concrete ramps of the new Yankee Stadium.

That didn’t take long for the young girl to show her crow’s feet. Usually it takes at least a few decades for a stadium to reveal its age.

Take, for example, the Toronto Blue Jays’ Rogers Centre. You probably know it as the Sky Dome. Back in 1989, when it first opened its retractable roof, the Sky Dome was considered a modern-day Coliseum.

A mere two decades later, it’s a lumbering dinosaur of a sports venue — a Toronto-saurus Rex, if you would.

Most people, however, would not.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-08-20T23:03:00.000-04:00

SIX DEGREES OF SOCKS

When I think of summer, I think of baseball ->

One of the greatest summers for baseball was 1961 ->

That summer, Roger Maris broke Babe Ruth’s record for home runs (61) in a single season ->

Maris & Ruth are legends in Yankee lore ->

The Bronx Bombers play the Boston Red Sox this weekend at Fenway Park ->

Which brings me to socks; as of this summer, I’ve gone 61 consecutive days without wearing socks…

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-08-14T02:22:00.000-04:00

e-MAIL BAG

Sports editors get bizarre e-mails. Many of them leave you scratching your head, wondering: how the heck did I get on their list?

Among the press releases I regularly receive is from a company called FieldTurf. The company proudly boasts itself as the “global market leader in terms of synthetic sports fields with over 3,000 fields installed.”

Installations range from the gridirons at Boston College and Rutgers University to the Twins’ diamond in Minnesota, to name just a few of the major NCAA programs and MLB teams to use FieldTurf surfaces in their house.

On Thursday, FieldTurf - announcing through an e-mailed press release - added 94-year-old Vaught-Hemingway Stadium/Hollingsworth Field, the football home to Ole Miss University, among those to make the switch.

Other programs that have recently switched to FieldTurf this month, according to my e-mail: Indiana State University.

Stay tuned for more...

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-08-13T01:36:00.000-04:00

Playing backyard sports is about as American as Red, White and Blue Polo shirts, Barack Obama Chia Pets and Sacagawea coins.

It’s there behind the house, between the shrubs and birdbath, around the tool shed and dangerously close to mom’s flower garden, where dreams are sculpted mostly from creative imaginations.

When Eunice Kennedy Shriver peered out of the curtains to the backyard of her Maryland home, she was also overcome with visages of grandeur.

Granted, her backyard was probably a lot bigger than yours or mine. Her vision certainly was.

It was in that plot where the older sister of John F. Kennedy created Camp Shriver for physically and emotionally challenged children in 1962. Eventually, the camp spawned the Special Olympics. Today, the games boast more than 2.5 million athletes in 180 countries.

Kennedy Shriver passed away earlier this week at the age of 88. Her contributions to the world she left behind are irreplaceable and irrefutable.

This weekend, when you finally decide to trim that lawn, don’t just kick the Frisbee aside seconds before its perilous doom by lawn mower blades. Take a moment to imagine the Wiffleball field or the outline of the end zones which once gave you hope that anything was possible. Eunice Kennedy Shriver once did and, for that, the world outside the backyard is a better place.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-07-29T23:52:00.000-04:00

Jack Wilson, we hardly knew you. Hardly knew you outside of Pittsburgh, that is.

The Bucs shipped Wilson and pitcher Ian Snell to the Seattle Mariners today in exchange for five minor leaguers.

At this point, Pittsburgh Pirate fans are used to the all-too-familiar feeling that comes when your favorite team trades its best player. It’s a painfully numbing sensation on par with getting punched in the pant’s zipper.

Wilson’s four homers and .267 batting average this season wasn’t what made him a fan favorite. It was his Johnny Punch Clock, coal-coughing mentality that fans empathized with.

He may not have much of a stick, but he sure has a glove. Only Honus Wagner, Arky Vaughan and Dick Groat played more games in Pirates’ history at shortstop than Wilson. Since 2001, Wilson’s turned more double plays (832) than anyone in the Major Leagues.

The Mariners get a shortstop who is almost guaranteed to be penciled in to the starting lineup on a daily basis. Only Jimmy Rollins has played in more games this decade.

While covering the Pirates in spring training, Wilson was the popular answer when I asked fans who their favorite player was. Wilson and centerfielder Nate McLouth, who many fans dubbed Nate “The Great.” Months later, Pittsburgh traded McLouth to the Atlanta Braves. You can almost hear the collective sighs settling over Steel City like another layer of depressed smog.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-07-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

SOMETHING

TO OINK

ABOUT

It appears a blood culture is going to send Vicente Padilla weezing his way into baseball infamy.

The Texas Ranger right-hander is not going down for steroids. Rather, he’s the first Major Leaguer diagnosed with the H1N1 virus — AKA the dreaded “Swine Flu.”

The 31-year old won’t be the last ball player to contract the infection that’s affected close to 400 people worldwide. After all, locker rooms are breeding grounds for all sorts of fungus, fuzz and algae.

Case in point, the influences of influenza led to the postponement of a Pacific Coast League game Friday night in Utah between the Portland Beavers and Salt Lake Bees.

We won’t have to wait until pigs fly before another big leaguer takes ill of swine flu.

So, how exactly did Padilla attract the nasty, pig-dubbed bugs?

Even if he traveled to his hometown of Chinandega over the All-Star break — a 4.67 ERA rarely gets you the fan’s nod — the likelihood of him contracting the virus was as slim as a bearded pig, a swine traditionally known for its svelte figure. Only 26 cases were reported in Nicaragua through early June.

Operating on the assumption that Vicente didn’t hop a Padilla Flotilla out of the country, let’s retrace some of his steps using baseball lineage and history to find out where he may have acquired the virus that’s left him not quite feeling like a pig in…well, you know.

Consider this swine search a Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, if you would.

Here we go:

Vicente Padilla pitched 19 games in his professional career for the Phillies’ Scranton/Wilkes Barre Triple-A affiliate.

Pitching for the Red Barons (1st degree), Padilla was impressive, accruing a porky 8-0 record.

Of course, Scranton/Wilkes Barre is no longer home to the Red Barons, nor are they even linked to the Philadelphia. Phillies farm hands one step away from the show now play their home games in Allentown, Pa., as members of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. We have our first swine link.

The IronPigs (2nd) are the Triple-A farm team of the aforementioned Phillies (3rd); a ball club raised in a city largely designed by famed architect and native son Edmund Bacon.

In a cosmic twist, Edmund not only sired much of the city’s modern-day infrastructure, but also actor Kevin Bacon.

That sensation rippling down your neck to your arms right now aren’t goose bumps; they’re hog pumps. In football, they call that ‘pig skin.’

We’re already pretty far from where we started, but there’s no ignoring the swine theme. Just wait.

Edmund Bacon (4th) is the namesake of Eddie Bacon. Irony or coincidence isn’t lost on Eddie, a native of Frankfort, Kent.

Eddie is the only player in Major League Baseball history with the last name of Bacon. That’s a relatively low ratio considering there are 26 (the same number as Nicaraguan swine flu cases) Eddie Bacons on Facebook alone.

Bacon (5th) took the mound once as a member of, none other than, the Philadelphia Athletics. On Aug. 13, 1917, he gave up 7 walks and struck out none in six innings of work.

If Bacon is still alive today, he’s 114 years old and probably not hiding out in Bacone, Okla., or sending a grandson to Colchester, Conn.’s, Bacon Academy.

The chances are even better that Bacon hasn’t recently hung out, hacking and wheezing, with the Texas Rangers’ pitching staff and doled out cases of swine flu.

But it does bring us back to Padilla. And although we haven’t successfully proved a link between the pitcher and swine flu, we have traced a line in time of sickly pitching.
Padilla’s and Bacon’s careers intersect at the nexus of mediocrity — proof that marginal pitching discriminates against no era.

And that’s something to oink about.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-07-24T00:30:00.000-04:00

'O BROTHER...

Surely as kids, Chris and Shelley Duncan had their dust-ups between one another. What brothers haven’t?

Some of the best rivalries in all of sports are brotherly — think Peyton and Eli (Manning) or Ronde and Tiki (Barber).

Brotherly love took on a new twist in the Duncan household in Oro Valley, Ariz. when the Boston Red Sox traded for younger brother Chris on Wednesday.

The trade lands Chris, 28, in the belly of one of the most storied rivalries in the history sports in the Red Sox Yankees. Shelley, 29, plays for the New York Yankees’ Triple-A affiliate the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees.

Shelley’s already bore the wrath of the rivalry. In 2007, he allegedly John Hancocked a ball for a 10-year-old Red Sox fan adorned with the phrase “Red Sox Suck!” He later apologized.

As for the brother rivalry? Chris has gotten the edge over his older brother, hitting 55 career dingers to Shelley’s 8. Chris, a former Cardinal, is also the last player to homer in St. Louis’ Busch Stadium.

Despite playing in all but seven games this season for the Cardinals, the Red Sox will option Chris to Triple-A Pawtucket.

There’ll be no waiting for the brothers to collide in baseball’s ultimate enmity. Scranton/Wilkes-Barre and Pawtucket will meet on Aug. 1 at PNC Field (formerly known as Lackawanna County Stadium) in central Pennsylvania.

The young Yanks have won six of the eight meeting between the two teams this season.

above: Shelley Duncan goes spikes high on a Tampa Ray infielder

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-07-11T01:37:00.000-04:00

- THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, PADRE -

Years from now, the number of people who witnessed Johnathan Sanchez' no-hitter on July 10 against the San Diego Padres will grow exponentially. That's what happens with significant feats; fans love to say they were there, even though they were home sitting in their barcaloungers when Sanchez, filling in for the injured Randy Johnson, struck out Everth Cabrera for the final out.

Truth is, only 30,298 of the 41,503 seats at San Francisco's AT&T Park were filled on Friday. Those numbers, of course, are inflated by ballpark officials. The real number of fans in attendance was likely considerably less.

Of those in the stands were his father and brother. Sanchez' father had never seen his son pitch in a professional game.

After the game, Sanchez, who fanned 11 batters, told the Associated Press:

"This is the first time he has seen me pitch. This is a gift for him. I feel awesome."

Years from now, they'll be able to say they were there to see the first Giants' no-hitter in 30 years.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-07-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

UNFORTUNATE NAME
OF THE WEEK

When you grow up with the last name of Wuensch (sounds like Lunch), you garner empathy for others with horrendous handles. Just ask one of the three Rick Shaws living in the greater Phoenix area alone. Or Al Kada from Springfield, Va., who likely doesn't head up any rogue militia groups.

This week's UNOTW:

TAYLOR SCHLOPY

The University of Georgia pitcher/outfielder has certainly heard many variations on her last name. It's Schlopy, however, getting the last laugh these days. This spring, the UGA sophomore helped lead the Lady Diamond Dogs their first-ever Women's College World Series - where they finished fourth overall in the nation. Hitting .406 this season and leading UGA in triples, runs and, unfortunately, hit-by-pitches, wrought plenty of accolades for Schlopy. The USA Softball Women's National team named her among the 16 players chosen to compete for Uncle Sam in the Japan Cup at the end of July.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-29T18:40:00.000-04:00

TEMPURA-BATTER UP!

Hungry Japanese folks annually demolish around 25 billion pairs of chopsticks, estimates Snow Peak, which manufactures the eating utensil.

Now, the Clackamas, Ore.,-based company is thinking green. In order to conserve trees, Snow Peak has begun whittling their craft out of recycled bats from the Japanese professional baseball league. Just think, you could be eating your next eel roll with a sliver from the broken bat of Atsunori Inaba (pictured above) of the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters.

I wonder what 200 career home runs tastes like tempura-style?

The only drawback to this ingenious business model is that all the wasabi in the world isn't enough to get the taste of pine tar out of your mouth.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-28T14:31:00.000-04:00

- - - CUTTING THE MUSTARD - - -

Nothing brings a smile to the face faster than catching a glimpse of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

This rolling dog parked its buns outside of Busch Stadium III in St. Louis on Sunday before the Cardinals-Twins' game.

This vehicle is certainly one heckuva mutt -- one that's been slowly sculpted for 73 years. Despite being 27-feet long, the recent model, built in 2008, is built with the chassis of a Mini Cooper S. It also sports taillights from a fourth-generation Pontiac Firebird.

Thanks to Scott Salisbury for capturing this shot on the road.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-26T17:47:00.000-04:00

BOGGS

CRIES

FOWL

Wade Boggs hates steroids and other performance-enhancing-drugs - aka PEDs.

At a recent appearance in Boston, the Hall of Fame third baseman railed against PEDs.

"You're cheating the game, you're cheating yourself, you're cheating your family, you're cheating your friends, you're cheating your fans and you're cheating Americana and apple pie, baby," Boggs said, according to Deadspin.com.

Boggs, it should be noted, is legendary in his own right for what he put in his own body during his 17-years in the league. Before every game he ever played for the New York Yankees, Tampa Devil Rays and Boston Red Sox, Boggs would ingest a plate of chicken.

It can be argued - weakly, that is - that farm-raised chickens are bred stronger and quicker these days through the use of steroids. If Boggs ate enough bird, eventually he could benefit from the drug's effects.

Someone subpoena Tyson Farms.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

FITS LIKE A GLOVE

photo from givingback.org

Apparently, La'Roi Glover couldn't let his namesake steal the entire spotlight on Monday as Lucas Glover held on to win the 109th U.S. Open Golf Championship in New York.

La'Roi, a six-time Pro Bowl selection, called it quits on Monday, ending a 13-career with the Oakland Raiders, New Orleans Saints, Dallas Cowboys and St. Louis Rams.

The San Diego-native was the type of player who left everything he had on the turf after a game. In 2000, playing for the Saints, Glover led the NFL in sacks with 17.

La'Roi's (pronounced la-ROY) retirement won't consist of lying around on the couch all day. Ten years ago, Glover and his wife, Spring, created The La'Roi Glover Foundation. The organization grants scholarships for high school and college students in the San Diego area, as well as providing assistance and supplies so underprivileged children can thrive in school.

Find more information on The La'Roi Glover Foundation by visiting www.givingback.org/glover/gloverhome.htm.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-22T14:37:00.000-04:00

OH, DADDY

Lucas Glover's dad celebrated Father's Day on Sunday from his son's gallery at Bethpage Black golf Course in Old Bethpage, N.Y. A day later, Glover went out and claimed one - one of the biggest of them all - for his mother's father.

Glover, 29, staved off late charges by Phil Mickelson, David Duvall and the legendary Tiger Woods on Monday to win the 109th annual U.S. Open Golf Championship. The Greenville, S.C., native credits his grandfather, Dick Hendley, as giving him his start in golf.

Hendley was a baseball and football star at Clemson University. Both gramps and grandson are enshrined in the Tiger's Athletic Hall of Fame. Glover was a two-time All-American at Clemson before turning pro in 2001.

If the new U.S. Open champ plays his card's right, perhaps he can pick up his third-career PGA Tour win on Sept 13 at the Bellerive Country Club in St. Louis.

That Sunday is Grandparent's Day.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-18T20:11:00.000-04:00

TURNING OVER AN OLD LEAF

When you hear on Wednesday that Canadian Border Patrol agents have arrested Ryan Leaf, the natural instinct is to assume the former San Diego Charger quarterback was attempting to dodge U.S. law.

A flee-flicker if you would.

After all, Leaf is wanted in Canyon, Texas on one count of robbery and eight drug-related charges. While serving as quarterbacks coach for West Texas A&M, the No. 2 overall pick in the 1998 NFL draft -- behind No. 1 Peyton Manning -- allegedly broke into an injured player's house and stole the painkiller hydrocodone.

It's wrong to think Leaf would attempt to make a run for it. In his three-team, 25-game career, the Great Fall, Mont. native and man largely regarded as the biggest draft bust in NFL history rushed for a paltry 127 yards. That's an average of 2.2 yards per game. Couple his career QB rating of 50.0 (that's not very good at all), 36 interceptions and legendary temper and it comes as no surprise he'll be using part of his signing bonus to hire legal council.

That's if he hasn't already spent the $31.2 million he received from the Chargers.

It turns out, the man whose stat sheet is shorter than his rap sheet was trying to re-enter the United States en route to turning himself over to Texas authorities.

I propose that Leaf's entire extradition process be done using Canadian Mounties and Texas Rangers. That way, the entire trip can be done via horseback.

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-10T21:10:00.000-04:00

The recent retirment of garble-voiced Dikembe Mutombo after a 16-year career in the NBA inspires the brain to ponder the plight of foreign-born big men. Especially the biggest of them all.

This comes paraphrased from former Sports Illustrated Air & Space columnist Steve Rushin's blog not too long ago:

Manute Bol, a 7-foot, 7-inch tulip tree of a man, isn't exactly known for his vernacular. Yet the Sudanese-born hoopster is unofficially credited as the father of one of the most widely used phrases in all of sport. Apparently, when Bol would err in practice he would turn to the teammate and utter the two easiest words his limited vocabulary would allow him to string together. And, with that, the phrase "My Bad" was birthed into sporting lexicon.

Bol, it should be noted, played nine seasons for four teams, including two stints with the 76ers, Bullets and Warriors. A sense of humor isn't lost on the big fellow in retirement. Since hanging up his rather large sneakers, Bol has appeared in celebrity boxing and hockey matches (both which can be argued are the same thing).

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

Many regard Elmer Valo as the greatest Czechoslavakia-born baseball player. The Ribnik native collected 1,420 hits in 20 Major League seasons with the Philadelphia and Kansas City Athletics, Phillies, Browns, Los Angeles Dodgers, Indians, Yankees, Senators and Twins before returning to the Phils. Old Man Valo around more than a traveling dictionary salesman - to put it in 50s prose. Do you think that when Valo would only go around half-way on a swing that opposing players called it a "Czech swing?"

STILL IN PROGRESS AT PRESS TIME...

2009-06-10T20:47:00.000-04:00

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "HAND BALL"

If you ask me, soccer is a game that should be played with closed fists.

Just ask this Dreher (S.C.) High School player who received a rather uncomfortable hand-check in a game earlier this season against the Bobcats of Bluffton High School.

Bluffton Today photographer Scott Salisbury snapped this gem and sent it our way with the caption: "Awful Handsy."